I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
