I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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