he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I looked at my own cervix.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
