Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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