I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
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i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
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She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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