Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
