From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
