I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
