Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
