I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
