I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
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I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
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We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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