Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
