the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
