Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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