remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
