I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Floor bacon is actually really good
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
