Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
