i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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