thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
