love makes seman taste better
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
