so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
