are you so shy because you have an std?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
