i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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