Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
