she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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