saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
