sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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