My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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