if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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