used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
