I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
