dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
