My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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