i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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