Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
did you just send me my own nude
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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