How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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