I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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