Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
