one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize