She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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