I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It was confusing and full of hummus
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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