I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
