All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
