Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
