Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
