Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
