he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
