There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
