im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
