I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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