I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
pop tarts are not kleenex
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
