my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
