True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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