burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
