You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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