he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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