I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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