So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
