We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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