my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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