eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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