I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
