Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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