also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
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