Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
